Enid Frick, Carrie’s former editor, is in need of a favor. Over lunch, she invites Carry (and Aleksandr) to a party with so many fabulous couples from the art world. But Enid isn’t looking to catch up with Carrie. She needs a date for the party and, well, Carrie knows men. And she does actually have someone in mind. Carrie and Aleksandr are preparing for a party of their own. A dinner party so her girlfriends (and their beaux) can finally meet her Russian! And it’s so awkward. Carrie seems embarrassed by her friends and what they’re saying. She’s uncomfortable because Aleksandr isn’t engaging either. And it’s no surprise when Miranda just isn’t impressed with Aleksandr’s request that Carrie join him in Paris, to live. To stay.
Of course, Charlotte thinks it’s so romantic to pick up and move to Paris. She’s a fan of love after all, although she’s not the biggest fan of Elizabeth Taylor at the moment. Elizabeth has been dropping little surprises (and one big surprise) around the apartment. She’s pregnant! And there’s really no telling who the father is. She had lots of noses up her butt at the park. Charlotte is mortified to say the least and takes it out on the apartment, cleaning compulsively. Which is sort of great because Elizabeth needs a sterile place to birth her litter and Charlotte can’t stay mad with new babies in the home.
Miranda keeps asking questions. Really important questions. But Carrie feels like she’s stepping all over her joy and once again, Miranda and Carrie are fighting. And once again, Miranda is right. Always so difficult to watch. Miranda lets out her frustrations to Steve (who agrees with her stance on the Russian) and he reminds her that if Carrie moves, it’ll be okay. But she’s just not impressed with the guy. She doesn’t like how pretentious he is and she especially doesn’t like who Carrie is around him. And she commits the biggest sin imaginable: telling Carrie what she thinks.
It’s no surprise Samantha thinks a move to Paris is fabulous and it doesn’t have to be one city or the other. But when Carrie talks with Aleksandr, he makes it clear he’s done with New York. This is also the fateful episode where Lexi Featherston (played by Kristen Johnston) declares, “No one’s fun anymore!” before tripping out the window at the art couples party Enid invited Carrie to. Lexi was the only single lady there and Enid was doing her best to make Carrie another single lady. She spent her time talking with Aleksandr who was more engaged at this party than his own dinner party. But in the end, Enid found comfort in the date she was set up with. They attend Lexi’s funeral together. Carrie struggles to figure out the details of moving and starts to wonder, “Is it time to stop questioning.”
Season 6 Episode 18: Splat!
I’m moving in less than a month and I am filled with anxiety. Walking headfirst into change is not something I have done many times before, probably because it’s fucking uncomfortable. I imagine if I were invited to join my wealthy, artist boyfriend in Paris where I wouldn’t have to worry about making money because he’s taking care of it, I’d have slightly less anxiety. But I’d still have questions.
Over the past year, I’ve asked myself so many questions about my move. And I’ve watched as the content of my questions have evolved. At first, it was “Should I move? Why do I want to move?” After I made the decision to actually do it, the questions shifted to more concrete ideas. “What neighborhood should I move to? What’s my budget?” Now that I’m in the final weeks, I’m full on existential. I’m examining my life and deciding what will make it onto the moving truck and what will be left to belong to my New York self. Should it all belong to who I was? Sometimes I think it could be fun to be that type of person. The person who leaves it all behind.
But that’s not who I am nor do I think it’s who I’m going to be. I need something to depend upon and right now, I’m depending on my stuff. It’s comforting to know that in beginning anew, I’m not fully starting again. The flip side is that I get to experience shedding. I’ve been wondering what letting go would feel like and why I have such a difficult time doing so. I’ve seen myself hold on to all sorts of things for far too long. A single sock in the hopes that the other will show up (Sometimes it does.), books I’ll never read, wigs I haven’t worn in years. Eventually, and pretty easily, I let them go. Some things are harder to let go, like relationships and home.
I finished a book on my way back from California, Unlikely Animals by Annie Hartnett, and I underlined some phrases as I read it. “It’s easy to figure out how you feel about something when you think you’re about to lose it.” How do I feel about the Playbills I’ve been holding onto since college? I don’t really think about them to be completely honest. And yet, I still haven’t tossed them. I see them as an artifact from my life and somehow part of me. I feel like I’ve taken New York for granted, but that’s what you do with home. Not to mention, I’m not really losing New York. It’ll still be here if I decide to come back. The same way I’m not losing my friends. Of course they won’t be as close to me physically, but it’s not a goodbye. And even though I’m not losing them, I know exactly how I feel about my friends.
I’ve been figuring out how I feel about John since we started dating. I mean, I knew I’d be saying goodbye eventually. And now that I’m here, I’m holding on. I know how I feel about him. I know how I feel about us. And I know how I feel. (I cried so many times today.) None of the three are aligned. I’m so reluctant to let go that I’m making compromises with myself. Wouldn’t it be better to have it all? To move and start my new life and hope to still have a part of this relationship? I wouldn’t lose that much of myself in order to do that. Because the alternative is what, being sad? Missing him? I feel that way already. And even after goodbye, I’ll struggle to let go. That’s what I mean when I say I wish I could be someone who leaves it all behind.
I want to look ahead, excited at the possibilities. I want to march forward. I want to trust myself and my instinct to move. But I know I’ll let myself dwell on the past. I’ll miss the comfort of what I knew. I won’t have my coffee shop to go to, chat with the familiar faces of the neighborhood. I’ll miss knowing where I am. And I’ll let that hold me back from really being present. Somehow, I’ll also miss everything I never got to do. All the things I kept myself from doing because I was scared to put myself out there. I wish I could leave that part of me behind so I don’t keep getting in my own way. Is it time to stop questioning myself?
If I put my love, my energy, my devotion back into myself, would I trust the path forward? Would I become the person I hope to be? Would I love myself enough to grow? Carrie says, “I can stay here and write about my life or I can go live my life.” It’s bizarrely similar to something I’ve been saying a lot recently. I’m only working so I can keep living here, instead of living. Maybe, as I take this leap and push my way through the discomfort of change, I will actually be able to live. But I want to live my life. By going to Paris with Aleksandr, Carrie is giving up her life for his. I understand that desire. It’s hard to say goodbye and have the courage to be with yourself.
I won’t have to do it alone though. I’ll have my friends to lean on when I forget to be kind to myself and I need a reminder that fear and feel the same.