Carrie and Aleksandr are romancing across the boroughs at a variety of dinner spots. Cuisine from around the world are at New York’s fingertips and Aleksandr is expanding Carrie’s palette. There is however one place he hasn’t been before and he’s absolutely dying to get in- Carrie’s apartment. There he makes risotto with the meager kitchen supplies she has. And with those same supplies, he kills a mouse. On Carrie’s counter. It’s a good thing she doesn’t use that. They already had to go out if they (he) wanted espresso and now they have a great reason to leave. He later takes Carrie to a kitchen supply store to get her an espresso machine she never expressed wanting. But she will like it, he’s sure.
Samantha is in chemo treatments and the ladies join her for popsicles and lounge chairs. Samantha’s putting on a brave face and has already made a name for herself with the nurses. Later, while blowing Smith, some of her hair falls out and neither of them have a brave face. She’s still trying to keep him at a distance and go it alone. In order to distract herself and keep some sense of normalcy, Samantha goes wig shopping with Carrie in tow. But every wig is tacky and she hates them. It’s then that she really has to face that things aren’t what they were and they won’t be. She decides to shave her head privately until Smith shows up unannounced. In a beautiful moment of solidarity and commitment, Smith takes up the razor and buzzes his own hair before helping Samantha.
Miranda is also having to explore new boroughs while apartment hunting. Between her and Steve, there are two pets, a baby, and too much stuff. Everything in Manhattan in their budget just isn’t big enough. They’ve already given up the bedroom to Brady and moving somewhere with the same square footage isn’t going to do any good. But Steve comes across an ad for a multilevel home with a private yard and so much room. The only hitch- it’s in Brooklyn. She’s so against it, but Steve is so good at getting Miranda to see outside of herself. To see the bigger picture. And she finds herself agreeing to leave Manhattan.
Charlotte is also dealing with uncomfortable medical news. Her most recent egg retrieval has produced no viable eggs. To cope she goes out for a run where she meets Trudy and her former loser show dog, Princess Dandyridge Brandywine. Dandyridge never placed because one of her back legs is short but Charlotte loves her anyway, defects and all. She’s running a lot and goes out again after Harry says he’s doing some research into adoption. Just in case. After a small breakdown in front of Trudy, Charlotte is surprised with a gift basket. The only contents: PDB. The name is atrocious, Harry even says so. She’s quickly renamed. Elizabeth Taylor. Everyone is unsure about the future and Carrie starts to wonder, “Denial: friend or foe?”
Season 6 Episode 16: Out of the Frying Pan
As I write this, I’m sitting in the airport waiting to fly to California. My sister-in-law is days away from giving birth and I’m freaking out. I couldn’t bring myself to start packing until last night (not even mentally) because I just can’t fathom what is to come. I feel incredibly ill prepared for life (not even my own) to change so much. Procrastination and avoidance were my closest enemies these last few days. But avoidance won’t make responsibilities disappear, just like denial won’t make reality shift. But reality can be scary. Even the ones we create for ourselves.
Every day, my big move draws closer. I’m looking at apartments and making road trip plans. Mentally sorting through all I own and making cuts. I gave my notice at work last week and that was the first tangible moment for me. Everything else is theoretical for now and I didn’t expect to feel relief and dread when I told her. It felt good to finally break the news and not have this thing I’m holding in. But it cemented the move in a real way. I’ve already been feeling anxious about making the leap, but this somehow started the clock. I have plenty of time, but I’m also rapidly running out of time.
I’ve watched as my feelings around my move have evolved from excitement to grief and back again. This is the first time I’ve had to put all I own in a truck to start a new life and that terrifies me. I keep telling myself I’ve done this before when I left for college. But it’s different. Over the course of four years, I brought my life to New York and skipped over to the city with my closest friends. It wasn’t as drastic a change. I am still excited for what the future will bring and all the ways I will grow and flourish. But I’m sad to leave my home, my friends, the life I’ve built for myself. Every once in a while I think, for the briefest of seconds, “What if I stay?”
It would certainly be easier to stay. I wouldn’t have to do anything! But I’m not living up to my full potential here. I am, however, comfortable. I make a steady income. I see my friends. I know folks around my neighborhood. But comfort isn’t everything. I hear it all the time in the comedy community. When a comedian gets too big, starts making too much money, when they get comfortable they lose their edge. Hozier has a song with Brandi Carlile on his most recent album and she sings, “it’s the comforts that make us feel numb.” I have to agree. A big factor in deciding to move is because I’m stuck in a routine that isn’t fulfilling and I can’t live life. As scary as it is, I’d take these feelings over feeling numb.
I would argue that Carrie is neither numb, comfortable, or in denial. She’s scared about Samantha’s diagnosis, but trying to stay optimistic. And it’s not like she’s completely disregarding the facts. She’s not denying that Samantha has cancer. She’s not pretending that Samantha is fine and healthy when she’s not. Carrie knows that the mass was removed, she’s categorized as stage one, and she’s completing chemo. I don’t see a problem with Carrie choosing optimism. When Samantha finally drops her bravery and tells Carrie to let her talk about what scares her, Carrie concedes. I’m putting my foot down. Carrie, for once, is living in reality.
I can also understand Aleksandr talking about his friend who passed away from cancer. But as Carrie says many times throughout the episode, they speak a different language. His approach is harsh and dark and Carrie can’t handle what he’s saying. But he keeps pushing, continuing to talk when Carrie is clearly uncomfortable and asking him to stop. There is a better way for him to have talked about it. And I do think his ultimate point is worthwhile. He was surprised by his friend’s death and didn’t want Carrie to experience the same feelings of loss. But the circumstances for his friend were very different. It was more advanced and caught too late. His insistence to tell Carrie about his friend and the whole espresso/espresso machine debacle only add to what I wrote about last week. He is teaching Carrie how to exist in his life and I don’t like that at all.
Denial is no one’s friend. It doesn’t matter how hard you try not to see life as it is. That’s how it will remain. And whatever it is you’re trying to ignore will still be there. But sometimes, wallowing in the difficult moments doesn’t do any good either. I think it’s okay to hold out hope and do what you need to survive. After all, life marches on so we must as well. Through the good, the bad, and the truly ugly.