One

Are they out there?

Charlotte drags Carrie out to an art gallery to see a performance art installation. It’s all quite new to the art scene and Charlotte is excited. Everyone at the gallery is taking it so seriously, but Carrie doesn’t really see the value in it. She’s cracking jokes and laughing which attracts the attention of a stranger. As the ladies are about to leave, Carrie sees him again, the stranger. He’s no stranger to Charlotte though. He’s famed artist Aleksandr Petrovsky and Charlotte absolutely fangirls. She introduces herself and tells him about how, when she was working in galleries, one of his paintings was her first big sale. Carrie isn’t as taken by him and gives her pointed opinion of the installation. And she’s taken aback when Aleksandr assumes she’s a comic.

Dr. Robert visits Miranda at home and brings pizza for them, as well as a surprise for after. But before they can dig in, he’s paged at work. When he leaves, Miranda looks into the surprise box and is overwhelmed at what she finds. It’s a massive cookie with a message written in icing. “I love you.” She eats the whole thing. When he asks her about it later, she can’t say it back and just thanks him. It’s incredibly awkward but he’s still helping with Brady’s first birthday party.

More surprises await the women. At lunch, Samantha pulls out readers and is not ashamed that she’s getting older. The women are shocked, but not as much as when she scratches her crotch. She’s growing out her bush because Smith likes it. And Charlotte has the biggest news of all. It’s early, about 3 weeks, but she’s pregnant! Not many days later, after Aleksandr calls to ask Carrie out, she receives another call. It’s Harry. The baby is gone and Charlotte is catatonic. She doesn’t want to do anything and she especially can’t go to Brady’s party, but she finds the courage after watching an Elizabeth Taylor documentary. Miranda also finds some courage and tells Steve she loves him. And he says it back.

Carrie meets Aleksandr for their date after the baby-birthday party. They have dinner together at 1am, so they can make it to the gallery by 3am. Carrie isn’t convinced the artist will still be active at that hour and they want to know for sure. They share an odd and very Russian meal together. The entire time, Carrie can’t really get a read on Aleksandr. He finally makes a joke and that melts some of her uncertainty. When they leave the gallery after getting their answer (she was still there, awake, not eating) Aleksandr invites Carrie home. She refuses, but they share a beautiful first kiss and Carrie just can’t help but wonder, “When will waiting for the one be done?”

Season 6 Episode 12: One

To be perfectly frank, I have no fucking clue.

I asked Beth how she knew her husband was the one for her. I asked my brother too. And while their answers were beautiful and heartfelt, they didn’t and couldn’t give an answer for when. Carrie’s pondered other topics before that aren’t so clear cut, but this one in particular seems like a question you yell into the void. It’s up there with “Why me?” and “What is the meaning to of all this?”

There was a time I thought my ex could be the one. How wonderful to have found my person the first time round. But there was always a nagging at the back of my brain that told me it wasn’t right. I loved him, or so I thought, but I often felt so lonely when we were together. I had someone by my side, but he didn’t really care about me. I felt like I was always making mistakes and I wasn’t ever good enough. And when I thought about our future together, he was there and I was still alone.

I envy people who found their person early. My college friend, Michelle, met her now husband while we were still in school. We gave her so much shit for it because they’re both so young. But at least she has the question answered. Of course, now they have a lifetime of questions to answer, but they’ll do it together. I feel so uncertain about nearly everything that even if I had met the right person in college, would I even know it? Beth talked about that feeling. Everything just clicked and it felt fun even when it wasn’t fun.

I don’t like waiting. I’m very impatient. I need answers now. There’s a huge part of me that wishes I were with the elusive one right now, so I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could give my heart and brain a break and think about literally anything else. But I’m a lot like Carrie and I want to fill my void with someone else’s love for me. I want it so badly that if it were to happen, I don’t think I’d be ready for it. I’d be too much and that would push them away. Or I’d start in with self sabotage. I would get lost in the good feelings and at the first sign of trouble, I’d want to bolt.

But if it was right, if they were the one, that wouldn’t happen. They’d stay and you’d talk it through. And I understand that point of view, but here’s the real truth. I still struggle to love myself. And it shows every time I can’t open up and be honest. I want to be seen up until the point of showing who I am. In those moments when I stop myself, it’s because I’m seeing myself from my most judgmental point of view. And it’s so much easier to run away and blame myself than push through my discomfort. I’m a little scared that the rest of my life will be trying to make my way through uncomfortable feelings to get to a good place just to do it all over again.

I mean, can’t a girl catch a break? (Another question for the void.)

Sometimes, when I’m given a compliment I will say, “I know.” Which isn’t always the right response. But I wish I had that same confidence and energy when I tell myself that I am lovable. My friends will say really nice things about me and I get bashful and it’s hard for me to take. It’s hard to believe. I like myself and I feel proud of my accomplishments. But if someone treated my friends the way I treat me, I’d kill them. Even while I’m writing this, I’m being so hard on myself and to what end?

Ru Paul so famously says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” And I wholeheartedly agree. I’d just like to add, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I know. I’ve tried. And for anyone else who needs to hear it, you can’t fix him. But what you can do is heal yourself. I’ve made a promise to myself to start therapy again once I’m in Chicago because I would really like to heal myself. And when I say I don’t think I’d be ready for the one if they found me now, it’s because I have so much left to learn. And unlearn.

I also know that I can do as much work as I like in session, but it’s tested once I leave. So maybe it isn’t as rigid as I need to heal and learn so that I will be ready to be with the one. Healing isn’t a straight path after all. Maybe it’s more like I want to heal and learn so that I’m kind to myself. And if I meet “the one”, I will be able to love myself as well as them. As for when the waiting will be over, that’s anyone’s guess. I’m just glad I don’t have any family weddings in the near future because I really don’t need my titas telling me that I’m next.