Carrie returns to her apartment to find a card from Aleksandr asking her out for a walk. She hasn’t heard from him in three weeks but for good reason. He’s been in Holland for work. She thought he’d fallen off the Earth and he wasn’t sure she was even interested. After all, she sort of rejected him after the gallery. Their walk date ends with them making out on a park bench and Carrie is happy to report she will be taking a lover. (The way she insists on saying lover haunts me.) She really enjoys their first night together, but the next morning is not so gentle. Carrie is surprised with a beautiful homemade breakfast and even more surprised to see several people in Alexsandr’s apartment (his employees). Not exactly the morning after she was imagining with her new lover.
She’s not the only one dealing with awkward run-ins with lovers. Miranda and Steve see Dr. Robert in the apartment building where they all live. He’s in the elevator and the happy couple decide to take the next one. In an effort to not have more of that, Miranda takes the stairs, but Robert has the same idea. And he acts totally crazy. I mean, Miranda blows it up and even warns Steve to be cautious of Robert because he’s still so in love with her. But when Steve goes to confront Robert he sees that Robert has moved on. He’s got a new woman… or two.
Samantha is loving that Carrie has taken a lover. In fact, she’s a little jealous. Aleksandr has moves and he’s worldly (experienced) and it’s her ideal set up. He’s away on business for long periods of time. And he’s got money and a huge apartment. And again, he’s experienced. She still likes Smith but he’s a boy and she longs for a man. Smith’s been invited to a 30 under 30 party by Teen Posse and Samantha has no interest in going. But as luck would have it the party will be hosted by none other than Richard Wright. Suddenly, she really wants to go. Samantha finds herself spending time with Richard. Even encouraging Smith to be with other party attendees so she can be left to her own devises. Richard invites Samantha to see a new suite and in her need for a man, she agrees. But she hates herself for going with him. When she gets back downstairs, Smith is still there. Waiting for her. Because he wanted to make sure she got home safe. (A real man.)
Carrie’s not really enjoying her time with a lover, especially after she Googles Alexsandr. He’s very experienced. Everyone is dealing with lovers, past and present, but no one seems to know what they want. Carrie can’t help but wonder, “How do we wind up in the dark?”
Season 6 Episode 13: Let There Be Light
Winter Solstice was a couple of weeks ago, which really is a time for celebration because it means the days are getting longer. But the nights are still so long and I need the sun. I feel a specific type of seasonal depression mixed with sundowning. I can be fine all day, hopeful, productive, uplifted even. Then the minute the sun goes down truly anything can set me off. It’s definitely concerning, but I have a lot of tea in my cupboard so I’ll be okay. What is it about the dark that makes it so difficult to function? All I want to do is get snug as a bug in a rug and even that feels impossible. I get so close. I make my tea and get my journal ready but then I end up scrolling for hours and my tea gets cold.
I’ve never had a fear of the dark, but I can understand it. You don’t know what could be there and if you have an overactive imagination like me, anything could be. I do happen to get pretty bad nightmares though. Sometimes I’ll wake up from them and try to stay awake so I don’t go back into it. But the dark is cozy and it’s just begging me to fall back asleep. I did famously win an essay writing competition when I was 5. I wrote about why my brother is my hero and part of my reasoning was because when I had a nightmare, he put his night light in my room. It helped, but maybe the dark isn’t the worst thing.
After all, some of the best things happen in the dark. Movie theaters are a perfect sanctuary. Nicole Kidman is so right. We need them and there is an indescribable feeling when the lights dim. There’s anticipation in the air as we prepare for a beloved classic or a movie we’re going into blind, sometimes the best way to go. No expectations, ready for anything. And while you’re there, in companionable darkness, there’s freedom to truly feel. No one cares if you’re ugly crying. Or if you get scared and need to reach out for a friend’s hand. I love being there with everyone, seeing the same thing, but all having very different journeys.
The dark is pretty great. You need it to see stars. And it sort of holds our universe together. Dark matter fills the solar systems and while our knowledge of it is rather vague, it’s necessary for everything to keep shape. I mean, it can’t be stars and planets everywhere. How could any of it stand out if it were?
What if it’s not the dark that we fear? What if it’s light? Think about it. When you’re in a movie theater and you’re really into a movie, what is the one thing that can pull focus? Say it with me! When someone checks their phone. And it’s always on full brightness. Why can’t we see the stars in the city? Because there’s too much light down here to see up there. My brother’s nightlight was nice and comforting but it also cast shadows around my room.
Of course the dark that Carrie is talking about is the unknown in relationships. She’s trying to keep things light and easy with Aleksandr and in that way, she’s asking to be left in the dark. But she’s not that type of girl. She’s way too anxious for that. But it’s when she starts to look into Aleksandr and his history is brought to light that she really begins to spiral. The more she learns about him on her own, the less she enjoys remaining in the dark. It’s there, in the dark, that she starts to let her imagination run and crafts her own nightmares. He’s away for business for weeks at a time. Does he have lovers around the world? He isn’t exactly forthcoming either. Carrie spends so much of her time trying to understand him, but then he finally says that she’s the only woman.
I resonate with Carrie. Being in the dark in a relationship is really difficult. I have a bad habit of making myself uncomfortably settled in the dark. I just try to infer what the other person is thinking and feeling. And I spend all my time in my own head instead of in the present. I had a freakout about John pretty early on because I didn’t know if he even liked me. In an attempt to be healthier, I talked about it with him and to our (his) credit we’ve done really well communicating.
Being in the dark has its own challenges. But having everything in the light isn’t so great either. Knowing that I’ll move, knowing that John and I will end is a tough pill to swallow. And he’s communicative and honest which many say is the best policy but god, that can be rough too. He’s been on vacation with his wife and I can’t help but think of everything we won’t have. I even told him as much. He was caring and understanding, but that didn’t make it any less painful when he said that he’s never been in a position to offer that. I know that. I’m blindingly aware of the limitations in our relationship.
It’s like dark matter. It’s everywhere and I’ll never know what it’s like in those places. They aren’t for me to know or understand. At least not with John. I keep reminding myself to enjoy the moments we can share. They’re sparse and beautiful. Sort of like the stars. So maybe it’s not dark or light. After all, they can’t exist without the other.