Great Sexpectations

Can Carrie and Berger's relationship survive the bedroom?

Carrie and Berger are going on dates all over the city and they’re going really well. The conversation is flowing. The vibes are so right. They’re so into each other that they’re closing down restaurants. And the chemistry is hot, hot, hot! And finally, after so many incredible dates, Carrie is ready to bang. And how could she not be? Everything they do is foreplay. Which every woman loves. Don’t listen to Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. When they finally get to jumping each other's bones, everything fizzles out. It's as quiet as a cemetery. And nearly as active.

Charlotte is continuing her journey into Judaism. She’s moved on from thinking about it to taking proactive steps. Charlotte takes herself to the synagogue, even speaks with a rabbi, and is denied. Twice. With a door shut in her face both times. What she soon learns is that’s all part of the game. And she’s ready to play. The next time Charlotte finds the rabbi, it’s at his house which she barges into (bottle of wine in hand) and demands to convert. This is also when she has her first Judaism lesson. Sabbath is about rest. Something Charlotte isn’t quite known for.

Miranda is exploring changes in her home as well. She’s just had TiVo installed and things are getting really serious. Every night, she comes home to TiVo (who she has anthropomorphized) and the show it’s recorded for her, Jules and Mimi. A British romance drama about a woman and her tenant. It’s dire, y’all. She’s not getting any action. All she knows is erotic television. And Just Like That era Miranda would looooove Bridgerton. Everything goes south when Magda accidentally deletes all of TiVo’s recordings. And she needs to see the morning-after episode! (Honestly, I get it. You should’ve seen me waiting for the second part of Bridgerton season 3.) All seems lost until Steve manages to do what TiVo customer support could not; he rescues Miranda’s recorded shows.

And things are heating up for Samantha who wants to fuck the hot waiter from the newest New York it restaurant, Raw. They specialize in raw vegan food that leaves everyone wanting more. She’s not the only one vying for his attention though. She returns to Raw without her girlfriends, but she’s not alone. Every table is filled with women also hoping to go home with Hot Waiter. She waits them out, eats course after course of terrible food, and effectively stomps out the competition. And she’s rewarded handsomely for her efforts. The night turns to morning as she and Hot Waiter try out every position in the book. You know the one. The women are jumping hurdle after hurdle to get what they want and Carrie can’t help but wonder, “Why is it always something?”

Season 6 Episode 2: Great Sexpectations

I’ll say it. I agree with Carrie. It is always something. Especially for a girl like me, because I have a bad habit of putting my foot in my mouth. I woke up yesterday to an instagram message from Murph. She’d sent me a story posted by one of the Real Housewives of New York (RHONY if you’re not in the know) and immediately I was the shadiest girl in Brooklyn. Hopefully this isn’t news to anyone. I can be mean… but in a funny way. Anyway, I responded something about “your least favorite housewife” except the message didn’t send to Murph. It was sent to the Housewife. Panic came quickly but I assured myself she wouldn’t even see it.

Not two minutes later I had a response. From the Housewife! “You mind your business…” I was shocked and also so excited. And a little bit embarrassed. Being mean and gossipy with my friends is one thing, but I’ve never had anything I’ve said reach the person we’re talking about. Of course I told anyone who has any interest in Real Housewives. Because she is our least favorite and the fact she responded was too good! Let me be so honest. If I saw her in real life, I would freak out. I would not have the balls to say anything to her face. But for a couple of hours, this was my something.

Carrie is definitely talking about dating, but I think we all go through moments in our lives where it feels like we can’t catch a break. Something is always coming up. We’re putting out fires left and right. But that’s life, isn’t it? Things will happen and we have to choose how to respond. I haven’t been dating for the last few months (Am I letting y’all down?) but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had to deal with the “somethings” that come up. A few weeks ago, I got a text from Tim (remember him? Fred’s brother) out of the blue. We hadn’t spoken in months. No ‘hello.’ No ‘how are you?’ I’m actually still really flabbergasted by the interaction because all he said was ‘give me a movie rec.’ Tell me what I’m supposed to do with that. I think I texted all of my girlfriends before I finally just gave him a recommendation. 

A couple days later, he thanked me for the recommendation and that was it. As we know, I have a habit of overthinking pretty much everything but was he really just asking about movies? And if so, why did I allow myself to get so worked up? 

My roommate, Danny, has been seeing someone for a few months. I was under the impression that we talked about everything, but I found out about her when I met her at work. She was dining with friends who are people I know because of my roommate. One of those friends is Danny’s ex. Another friend was a guy I’d met the week prior when he was dining with different friends who also know my dear friend, Janet. And I know that’s all sort of confusing to follow. Just know this is how I feel typing it:

So she’s there with friends and I say something about Danny having a sordid past with a couple women at the table and she asked, “Who are you talking about?” And I said, “Who are you talking about?” Remember that whole foot in mouth thing? I think I narrowly escaped it this time. All that to say, that’s how I found out Danny was dating someone. 

Since finding out about her, Danny and I have had conversations about what he wants in this relationship. We’ve talked about his worries (which are plentiful, poor guy) and his feelings about her. And I’ve reminded him about things he’s said before about wanting a partner and starting a family. His dating life has nothing to do with me personally but it’s still something. (Because it’s always something.) Just helping a grown man sift through his panic to discover what he really wants. I’m a giver. But maybe this is what Carrie is talking about. Danny is a great guy but I can just imagine him in the SATC universe. What would Carrie say about him? Everything seems to be going well, but what is his ‘something?’ Probably that he’s unclear about his intentions and she can’t get a read on what he wants.

Carrie’s in a tough situation. She really likes Berger but they have no bed chem. Yes, I’ve been listening to Sabrina Carpenter. Samantha wisely says, “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.” And this is a topic Carrie has explored before, being bad in bed. And she likes Berger but does she like him enough to have bad sex for the rest of her life? She wants to do the right thing, which is talk about it, but she gets anxious and decides to just get drunk instead. It’s Berger who finally says something. And that’s when everything falls into place. The flirty foreplay conversations they had on all their dates are continued when they talk about what they’re feeling and wham, bam, thank you ma’am, they’re acing the chemistry test. 

We’re always going to have to deal with something. The milk is bad. You’re missing a sock. You accidentally message a Real Housewife. There will always be something. And the people we date aren’t going to be perfect. Or the they will be and the timing isn’t right because (say it with me now) there will always be something. But it’s not the end of the world. And, hopefully, someday there will be someone whose something won’t keep us from exploring our something.